November 2010
54 posts
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WTF?!
I miss the days when I woke up groggily to an alarm clock, rather than on my own so that I remember my bizarre, bizarre dreams. WTF brain?
When you feel like giving up, remember why you...
reblog if you have mental health issues
Anxiety disorders, represent!!
heeschem:
i want some good blogs to follow
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Celebrating Successes
Mom brought up my thesis and eventual graduation, and I answered happily, rather than getting defensive, anxious, or starting to cry.
Best part is, I didn’t even realize I’d changed so much. She pointed it out to me. Family is awesome.
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Boy Named Sue?
So, I slept almost SIX hours before waking up this time. Woo hoo!
As a scientist, I cannot rule out variables that I did not control for, such as the eight hour fucking drive, or any placebo effect, but this may be the result of the second medication my doctor gave me.
(I feel like a damn drug addict. I now have a sleep aid to help me deal with the insomnia from my anxiety meds. Geez.)
Since...
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Homecoming
Mom says that me on Prozac/therapy is like my little brother normally… talking a mile a minute and all hyped up! (And like her as well, in that way.) Weeeeeiiiiird…
But, she hasn’t seen me this happy in a long time. WIN!
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“I’m going to do what makes me happy. And if this isn’t it, I will...”
– Me.
I know my anxiety has the potential to permeate everything I like and do, which is why I’m working so hard on it. However, if it truly turns out that the path I’m on (or supposedly on) isn’t right for me, then I know I have other choices in life.
"Come into my parlour," said the spider to the... →
You tell them, sister!!
helloooclarice:
Anxiety and depressive disorders have the tendency to make life a living hell when it does not need to be. Every misfortune or worry, from miniscule to gigantic is magnified tenfold. One could live a normal life without so much misery if these disorders did not exist…
Please, just stop calling us…
hey amber rae: on (never) feeling busy →
Very, very good advice…
heyamberrae:
My business partner Catharina mentioned two days ago that she never feels busy. This immediately took me by surprise. She never feels busy?!, I thought to myself. I always feel busy!
I asked her to explain and her response has had me thinking about it since. She said that she always does as…
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Pre-meeting
You did the work, you got excited. You know what you are talking about. Go in POSITIVE.
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Insomnia
Hello again, 3:30am.
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Groceries
I shop like a damn stereotypical bachelor. Frozen dinner, frozen dinner, frozen pizza, jello… Geez.
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Isn't it nice...
I don’t even need to be touching him to suddenly feel safer, more secure. Just to feel that his body is pressing down on the mattress beside me is comforting, to know that I’m not alone in this big old bed in the middle of the night… it’s lovely.
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Let's face it...
This field is freaking awesome. And I CAN understand it and be a part of the community… why am I so afraid of that?!
Don’t hide. Show your face. Hang out. See the talks. Ask questions.
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Also, my hair looks awesome
Not in the best headspace today. I was all productive yesterday and even slept well last night! Then I dragged a bit this morning, but eventually was all like, whatever, it’s going to be a good day! But… ugh… managed to freak myself out again at work. Sucks.
Need to take my time and be good to myself, coax myself along, not push or intimidate. But not let go of me either.
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Sweet
Who has two thumbs and actually slept 8 hours without interruption? THIS GIRL!
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Note to self...
the-rest-is-her-story:
And that’s what’s most important.
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“This isn’t so hard…”
– Me, on starting to work creatively again. Can I keep it up?
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This has nothing to do with my anxiety, it just...
Roommate: it's amazing, all the time we've lived together and we haven't seen each other naked.
Me: Yeah, especially given all the time I spend naked.
Roommate: me too.
(Awkward silence.)
Me: uh, on that note... Good night!
Roommate: yeah, no good way to end that conversation...
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“What the hell am I so scared of? Just do it!”
– Me
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Best Boyfriend EVAR
Me: alright.... down to just 17 unread emails. from.... 50-something. of course that's the 17 that require the most work/anxiety to get through
Him: wow 50 to 17...that's still excellent!
Me: thanks dear
Him: I see the awesomeness in you.
Me: AWWWWW
Him: now give me a big hug *BIG HUG*
Me: **BIG HUG**
Him: Sure those other 17 are the more intensive emails, but you'll get through them too, sweetie. And if I had a little cheerleading skirt, i'd put that on and be your cheer squad
Me: heehee. you keep saying that, and yet you never produce....
Him: see right there...a kilt would be a good subsititute for a cheerleading skirt. i need to get one
Me: WIN!
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Sleep... WTF?
I’ve gone from not getting enough sleep to getting too much. Need to figure out how to regulate this better, given interruptions through the night and all, without over-doing it in the morning.
However, instead of beating myself up and calling myself lazy, I need to accept this as part of the process. I declare myself now caught up on sleep from the weeks of insomnia! Now to better...
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Sign you may be doing too much...
When you finally get around to doing laundry, you have to collect dirty clothing from the trunk of your car.
Wow.
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Is it sad...
…that I fear that releasing my anxiety might make me too cocky? Or worse, leaving myself open to be stung by failure NOT prepared for? Weird that it was a shield or safety net of sorts. An adaptive advantage? But not worth the pain, or how I held myself back. I hope.
Damn, never thought of that.
Well, this first shield-less experiment is done, and test results should arrive in a few...
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Progress
I must be in a weird in-between stage. Anxiety has melted away leaving me with, I don’t know, lethargy or some shit like that.
It’s ok. It doesn’t mean I am “bad.” It’s just another stage in this recovery process. I was so used to being pushed and pulled by my own fears, that I’m left drifting. But if left like this too long, the anxiety will return.
...
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“I am a work in progress.”
– A very smart and inspirational woman.
She’s right. We all are. That is part of the struggle and the joy of being human.
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“What if…?” questions and Generalized Anxiety... →
That’s it! In a nutshell. A rather large nutshell. Like an overgrown peanut, really…
Anyway, I’m a fan of the CBT. Upwards and onwards…
themcrazy:
November 10, 2010 15:32 By Dr. Katy Kamkar
How often do we ask the “What if…?” questions? How often do we end up with a chain of “What if…?” questions that we reach a point where we become so worried, anxious and...
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Focuslessness...
Same unproductivity, but without the anxiety!
Maybe the Prozac is working too well?
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It's All There...
The knowledge and expertise and intelligence. It’s there, in my brain. I just need to exercise it more. I can do it. Don’t be afraid…
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Perceptions
I have more skills and experience than I give myself credit for. And they will actually be desirable on the job searches to come. The only thing that can stop me is my internal critic, and I can defeat that.
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Okay, soooo....
…maybe I overdid the sleep thing. My body just tried to make up for all that insomnia at once. Now to turn my progress into actual productivity!
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Taking it easy
For the first time in a while, I’m lying in bed late on a weekday, not with fear or anxiety or depression, but simply after having given in to my body’s impulses to just sleep a little bit more. There is no panic, no worry. Are the meds finally working, despite the battle with insomnia? A battle I’m slowly winning as I listen to my body’s needs and adjust my schedule accordingly. Has my brain...
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Community
More than a philosophy, more than a movement, this community is wonderful, as I was reminded by experience in meatspace yesterday. (Though the virtual version is awesome, nothing replaces laughing over drinks!)
Certainly not perfect, but lovely. And I seem to be well accepted, as well! Take that, high school :-P Take THAT, anxiety!
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Insomnia "cure"
So apparently, all I need to do to beat insomnia and get a decent amount of sleep is to have a very long, tiring day after not sleeping and be so insanely tired I want to fall over. Yay?
And not be in my own bed, apparently. Help, I’m lost in this huge king bed! Seriously, though, I’m without my “safety” blanket and pillows and etc… You’d think I’d sleep...
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Should I even be here?
Oh my gosh, stop saying that to yourself. Act like you do belong, dammit.
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I can do some pretty amazing shit...
…as long as I don’t think about it too hard.
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“It’s okay to ask for help!!!”
– Phew, glad I got that off my chest. Somehow I’m more nervous than before, yet oddly relieved.
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Crazy Crazy Prep...
Instead of freaking out about how much I have to do, taking a moment to see how much I have accomplished today under so much pressure.
Aaaahhhhh…
Still batshit insanely nervous about the weekend. Who am I to stand up and talk alongside THOSE people? That’s not impostor syndrome or anxiety; that’s just fucking reality. I seriously look up to many of those people, or at the very...
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5am
So, awake again. But this time not stressing. In fact, before I realized I was doing it, I was making plans in my head for a few things I can accomplish today. Good sign that I’m on the way to recovery?
Didn’t get to bed early like I’d planned. Finally discovered Angry Birds. So fucking addicting!
Will cull through my feeds a bit, then try sleep again…
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“I am not a fraud. And besides, the opinions of others do not matter, even if...”
– Positive counter-statement to “The Worrier,” specifically in regard to “the impostor syndrome.”
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These are my obsessions: I've definitely realized... →
lauralolab:
I just don’t know what to do about it. The “just do it” idea doesn’t really work in practice.
Idk where it starts, but I guess it’s like stuff to do leads to anxiety which leads to procrastination because I get overwhelmed with all I have to do and don’t know what to do first and worry about…
Wow. Just, wow. I could have written that, it sounds SO similar. My self-talk and...
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On relaxing
How ridiculous to think that somehow I don’t deserve to relax, use my breathing techniques, meditation. I tell myself to just suck it up and “do it.” But what good am I if I’m an emotional wreck?
Everyone told me, “you know, you can’t be Superwoman.” And I laughed and said, “just watch me.” But, fuck, no one is invincible. I can still be super AND take care of myself.
Where did this freaking...
